Cover your head or pay the price

Pay 50 cents for the paper bag and wear it on your head or pay a fine.

Patchogue Village mayor Paul Pontieri is encouraging the enforcement of a new measure to help contain the spread of COVID-19 after New York State Gov. Andrew Cuomo announced restaurants can open to 70 percent capacity.

Extra-large paper bags are encouraged to allow for easier eating. French fries and chicken fingers are easy foods to enjoy while wearing a bag, though, local bars are still trying to outfit the bags with straws capable of guzzling beer.

“The larger the bag, the easier it is to fit a burger under it,” said village attorney Brian Egan, with his bag properly on.

The Center for Out-of-Control Disease officials claim the paper bags could potentially – maybe not, but maybe yes – prevent disease spread by 1 percent. Masks should still be worn.

Patchogue Village Code enforcement will be issuing tickets to any restaurant-goer not wearing a paper bag over their heads in the amount of $1,000 to up over $5,000 for second and third offenses.

“We [restaurant owners] are just thrilled to be open at over 50 percent capacity again,” the owner of a local restaurant said. “I can’t wait to see our regulars’ faces again, though, we won’t be able to recognize them.”

The measure is expected to pass during the next village board meeting. According to officials, neighboring villages are also considering a similar proposal.

HOW TO WEAR THE BAG IN FOUR STEPS:

1. Buy a bag.
2. Cut two eye holes after measuring where your eyes land.
3. Slip bag over head.
4. Enjoy meal, discreetly passing food under bottom.

APRIL FOOLS'!

DISCLAIMER: Nothing in this article is based off truth; rather, it’s a playful April Fools' Day joke intended to make light of all the mandates and stress of the pandemic. Mayor Paul Pontieri and his administration were in on the joke – thank you for playing along. We hope it gave you a laugh. Seriously though, mask up and vaccinate!